Day 6: Man of the House by Noor Alkhawaja

Man of the House

When you couldn’t silence her tears,

you would scream

mercilessly

uncontrollably

scream that she remove herself 

from your presence

scream at her to stop the crying 

or to do it in private 

you couldn’t handle the sight of it.

You told her sisters not to check up on her,

taught her brothers not to protect her 

convinced her that punishment was the answer 

that no one was coming to save her 

like nobody came to save you.

You hated failing us, 

hated being reminded of the monster 

you have hidden inside of you, 

hated the anger 

in your heart that roared so loudly

and beat so viciously 

against your chest,

but you didn’t hate yourself.

You couldn’t hate yourself. 

You’re the man of the house; the provider.

You do everything for this family, so you have the final say.

The power to control,

to cripple her with fear 

contain the tears

her body fought to release

because to cry is to feel

and you were never taught to feel.

You were never allowed to feel.

That’s why the tears make you scream.

They scare you

and remind you 

of the unimaginable pain 

long suppressed

long subdued 

from generations before you 

who fought hard for survival and

weren’t allowed to show weakness. 

So, when our bodies would beg to feel, 

you screamed us into silence and suppression. 

The ultimate form of submission 

for the man of the house.